In Antibes - Southern France

I'm here / en France.

I've just written long emails, so my writing wont be inspired. Just to get the trivial details out of the way: it's averaging 30+ degrees here and it's humid so I'm spending alot of time reading Hærværk at the ground floor pool. At night I go sk*nny dipping at the pool on the top of my hotel - haha.. never done that before, but it's hysterical fun. Oh yeah, trivial stuff, Ivan: we've been to visit both Saint Tropez, Port Grimaud, Nice and Monaco. All lots of fun, but not hysterical. I'm having a good time applauding myself at my success with NOT appearing to be a tourist.

My life is in many ways parallel to that of Ole Jastrau, the main character in that book, Hærværk, and then in many ways not. The search for the innermost of my one's own being and eternity is in any case parallel. Read it and share my joy!

Ach, this cafe's quite probably the most expensive one I've ever set foot in, so I must end if I wanna get that beer after this! But get your own blog, and share it with me! smile do it now at blogger.com, kay?

Shame vs Love

I think it was the shame. The shame was the hardest to handle. The christian walk had come down to my continual striving to become a better person, which - of course - was doomed to fail. I think of such scriptures as: "Not by might, nor by power but by my Spirit." I have no idea what context it was in, but I'm sure any pastor ('cept Grosbøll) would tell me that it applied to this quest for human perfection: "The Great Paradox - Episode 1-11 (on sale as vhs and dvd)," so I'll accept that thought for now.

Another scripture: [the one about how 'my yoke is light.'] Why have I never had this promise realised in my life?

I'm a scatterbrain right now, but the conclusion that I can't get to is this: in the past, I have been motivated by shame to become a 'better' person. As well as schizophrenia this lifestyle was headed for failure. What then do I want to be? Where do I want to go? Here's where I want to go: I want to love God, others and myself, and as a consequence of this, I will become what is commonly known as a 'better person.' However, shame and self-loathing will not be my fuel and vain glory and self-exultation will not be my goal. Love will be my fuel and goal - my one and all!

The Great Mystery - take1

Now, here's the jist of my existential crisis:

Having grown up in a Christian home/environment I'm predisposed to favouring the Christian philosophy, however, may I quickly object, this does not rule out my sane judgement (which enables me to possess the wisdom that everyone else should adopt, you see... ;) with which I have deemed Christianity, according to the canonised Bible of 300-some A.D. and faith-wise independent of modern churchy trends, to be a very, very healthy way of life on all planes of life: physically (bite me), mentally, spiritually, politically, economically, environmentally and so on and so forth. But! Is it true? (Don't talk to me about evolution as being vs. creation thereby nullifying anything and everything you won't tolerate.)

On the matter of truth, a Beautifully Satisfying Absolute, things start to haze up. Here many object only to lecture on relativism post-fall-of-the-absolutes but however appealing this no-strings, no-commitments, I'm-the-boss-of-me -escape may sound, it is often grounded in just that: escapism.

But then what? Post-modern relativism certainly does not ring true but that's excactly the beauty of it, isn't it?! It's not supposed to be true? But then consider the detrimental effects relativism would have on society, were it not for the underlying values of shame and guilt as dictated in the Bible: amorality encompassing enough to bring about the fall of the Western Empire (giving way to China or India, perhaps? Maybe Africa or South America may even take advantage of that!)

So, Christianity or no-truth-ergo-I'm-my-own(-escapist)?

I want to choose Christianity (/life.) I really do, but I find it hypocritical in a way to just believe! I don't want to 'just believe!' I want to know, I want to be able to hold my chin high in regards to my way of life, my belief, my faith.. Argh, all these 'wobbly' words - never firm enough to get a hold on!

I think the bottomline is that I don't feel like I can be satisfied just switching off my intellect and 'believing,' but is the alternative just to keep searching for an answer I'll never find and then hope hope hope that something nice will happen to some immortal conscience of mine when my body ceases to function? [sigh]

Which is the less miserable Way?

Life, Truth and Mystery - does it ever stop?!

So the aim of life is to get over yourself and help someone else? What if it was the search for truth? Then can you be satisfied with following your heart instead of your mind? 'Cos how trustworthy is this heart anyway? I've grown up inside church walls but a search for The Truth (the one and only, yes) drove me out (although not entirely away from a belief in God). But really, can this great mystery never be solved? -I really need to know!

La Journée en France

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and she asked me if I did much writing, writing all sorts of things from loose thoughts to.. what's the other extreme?! Whatever it is I don't think I do it. Point is that we started talking about blogging and as a result she has made a blog of her own! Yay! It did take some persuading but it worked - however, now I feel bad about neglecting this site here. I've probably lost you two readers I had but I hope to start this up again.

I'm going to France for half a year. I got a job in a restaurant (or I might become the chauffeur - to be decided upon arrival) in Marseille 'dans la vieux pont.' (red. "on the old harbour.") I'm expecting to learn French fluently which I've already studied for 2 years in high school and with which I'm completely taken! [smile]

Goodness me, I have an oral Danish exam tomorrow that I'm completely unprepared for! Shame, 'cos I've plenty to write about, but I'll save it for another time - and yes, that'll be soon..

Thought of the month: why does an otherwise healthy christian upbringing so often result in a narrow-minded, perspective-lacking inability to relate to 'the (dangerous) world'? Why do we as a church accept that our function in the society has been marginalised so - why are we petrified to take part in the society around us. Why are we being taught at church that "there are certain cafés that are riddled, so don't set foot in that place lest your bodily functions are completely taken over by the Devil!" [slightly exaggerated, yes.. I am frustrated but I do know it] What is this defensive mentality as if the Kingdom has to remember to lock the Pearly Gates at night 'cos otherwise the Almighty King will let His city be overrun just to teach the inhabitants a lesson. And why is the brain banned inside the main meeting hall? Aaaand why are we so afraid to give an objective overview of church history? Is it really so necessary to gloss everything remotely to do with christianity-cos-I-once-heard-that-he-was-christian-no-not-just-like-pop-christian-but-really-born-again-and-stuff-so-he's-a-hero-and-we-owe-it-to-him-to-buy-his-record? And why has no-one told the students who are being intellectually battered everyday that we don't have to defend God like there's no tomorrow? That it is necessary to face your doubts? hmpf